Am I Not Here?
a reflection on the Blessed Mother's love
Today marks 11 months without my mom. I’m not ready to write about grief just yet, but the Blessed Mother disregards this.
I have been bracing myself for this month to be painful. Even though my birthday is on the 26th of September, I have been loath to think about celebrating it. The closer we come to my birthday, the closer we come to the anniversary of my mom’s passing, October 4th, and I’m not ready. Both time and the Blessed Mother disregard this.
Today I am due to begin my reconsecration to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I chose this timing six years ago because the feast of Our Lady of the Rosary, on October 7th, held great significance for me. When my godmother, Betty Lou, passed away, her funeral was held on that date. The priest who celebrated her funeral Mass rightly pointed out how providential this was, for Betty had a deep devotion to Our Lady and Her Rosary. In fact, when you visited her home, you were never an arm’s reach away from a set of rosary beads (or a pair of reading glasses).
I struggled for many years to truly understand my godmother’s devotion, though I deeply admired it. To love the Blessed Mother felt like a betrayal of my own earthly mother. A central part of my childhood was the notion that I needed to protect my mom, to never let anyone see that she wasn’t the ideal mother. To turn to Mary would be an admittance of this universal truth that I wasn’t allowed to utter: no earthly mother, in fact, is perfect. Perfection is not why we love them, though.
In preparing to reconsecrate myself, I took a look at Carrie Gress’ Marian Consecration for Children, which I am considering reading alongside Father Gaitley’s 33 Days to Morning Glory, the guide I have traditionally followed.1 In explaining the different feasts one can choose for consecration, she mentions that the date you choose will “likely play an important role in your life.” Don’t I know it.
As soon as September began, I felt anxiety descend upon me. I fell into despair that this month would be incredibly difficult, that all month I would feel the loss of my mother and that this feeling would overwhelm everything else. But the Blessed Mother disregarded this (are you sensing the pattern here?).
When we moved to New Mexico, I had a devotion to Our Lady, but did not feel particularly drawn to Our Lady of Guadalupe. It is an understatement to say that she is everywhere here. Her image can be found in religious and secular environs alike - the strangest being, perhaps, the new age boutiques where she is revered alongside crystals and sage sticks. As she tends to do, she worked on my heart. I walked past her every day on my way to work during the long months that I commuted from Albuquerque to Santa Fe, and we talked.
Even then, I missed my mother - before she had passed. She was a different woman in her later life than she was while I was growing up. The pain in this earthly relationship gave me new permission, though. It no longer felt like a betrayal to seek the perfect motherly love of Mary. In fact, it felt more rightly ordered.
In the middle of the Blessed Mother’s appearances to Juan Diego, his uncle became ill, and he became discouraged. While trying to avoid her, she appeared to him and rebuked him, saying, “Am I not here? I who am your mother?” How could he not come to her with his worry for his uncle, she pointed out. He need not go the path alone, and yet he was choosing to. In her motherly love, Mary disregarded his wishes, his unreadiness to surrender everything to her. It seems I could stand to learn a thing or two from this. In my anxiety, I attempted to leave her by the wayside rather than surrender my mother wounds2 to her - the one who could heal them more completely than any other. Such is the true heart of Marian Consecration - submitting ourselves to her love, which is perfectly united with the Divine Will of her son.
When we were going through my mother’s things in the wake of her death, we found a very important list: songs she requested be sung at her funeral Mass. I will admit for a bit of levity that we did omit one of her song requests. The song in question was “Remember Your Love,” a song my mom favored for its borrowed melody - “Pure Imagination” from Willy Wonka in the Chocolate Factory. As much as I love the original song, the “hymn” makes me chuckle, and that was a level of irreverence we (my grandmother and I) could not abide.
A song I was very glad to see on the list, though, was “Hail Mary, Gentle Woman.” Though at times I felt my mom put herself in competition with Mary for my heart, I know she never truly wanted it to be that way. I like to think that as Mary says to me, “Am I not here?,” she opens her starry mantle wide. When she does, I look inside and find my mom there, arms open wide to welcome me beside her.
What I am reading:
33 Days to Morning Glory by Father Michael Gaitley - I do really love this “retreat” as a guide for Marian Consecration. It’s excellent to follow by yourself or alongside a group.
Marian Consecration for Children by Carrie Gress - Though I haven’t followed this myself yet, I have looked through it extensively, and really appreciate the ways in which Gress weaves in children’s literature, theology, and excellent storytelling to help whole families place themselves under the Blessed Mother’s protection.
Our Lady of the Lost and Found by Diane Schoemperlen - I’ve read this twice before, but it’s been a long time. Mary, dressed in a navy trench coat and white Nikes, pays a visit to a middle-aged writer and stays in her home for a week of rest. As the two women settle into a simple routine, the writer learns of Mary’s travels, trials, and triumphs throughout the past 2,000 years. I plan to read this as though I, too, can have coffee each morning with the Blessed Mother.
Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie - One of my all time favorite novels that I’m revisiting. A tale of the Biafran war for independence, Adichie writes so beautifully of characters that are as real and complex as you or I.
I am a weenie and have never read the spiritual marathon that is St. Louis de Montfort’s True Devotion. Fortunately, the Blessed Mother does not require this of me to entrust myself to her care.
Restore the Glory podcast has an amazing series on family wounds, the second episode focusing on mother wounds. I highly recommend it - we all have areas of our hearts that need healing.
Such a timely and insightful piece on the Holiest of Women and how the best of us should welcome her discipline into everything we think we can control. Thanks Maura for your perseverance and dedication to the Faith despite the most dire of circumstances. Pray for us!